Frank A. Clark
After a good bike ride on Saturday with Sarah I started to really think about the Chicago Marathon. I continue to struggle with my desire to be my best and achieve goals that I set out for myself. I push my body and mind to places I never thought were possible to be faster and stronger. I stick to my plans (most of the time) and as Sarah points out, I am regimented in my life. I wake up at a certain time (mostly without the alarm), I at certain times eat, I drink when I am supposed to drink, I workout at the same times, I get to work at the same time, I get home on time, get ready for the next day and start it all over again with very little deviation. Note: this is Monday through Friday.
When deviations to my schedule do happen, I adapt make changes and move on, even though I may not like it. I have a goal and must achieve that which makes me who I am as a human. Human…that is what I am. Not immortal, not a machine and not a super hero. Just a human, with doubts, feelings, guilt and failure.
I have this quote above on my board in my office. I placed it above my phone on June 21, 20102 so every day I reminded that life is a journey and no journey is easy.
Over the weekend, I will tell you that I was not in the best of moods. No external factor put me in a cauldron of despair of a bad attitude. It has been the last 21 days of internalizing my failures and doubts. My failures of being able to achieve a realistic goal I set out for myself. I have failed myself in the ability to train for the Chicago Marathon and achieve the training schedule that I have set for myself over the last 16 weeks.
I have internalized my failure of myself and have doubts that I will be able to complete my own objective of a PR time at Chicago.
The continued presence of my own injuries has left me beaten. Icing, stretching, weights, rest, ibuprofen, repeat twice a day sometimes three times a day are wearing on me. Nevertheless, I am stubborn and do not like defeat. So I continue on.
Running had become fluid for me over the last couple of years. I need no music to push me up a hill, no GPS system to tell what my pace is or how far I have gone and no heart rate monitor to warn me that I am out of my Zone. I eagerly plot a course and run with hitting my times and distance with only the help of a $30 Timex watch. It felt good.
Lately this fluidness is a struggle. Warm ups are like fingers on a chalk board, the serenity of the sound of my shoes clicking along are overwhelmed with negative thoughts of doubts if I am even going to finish the run.
Burned out? No! I have taken time off, I still do. I am only on the roads 3 times a week and have my off time. There are glimpses of the feeling that are smoldering in my core and I have ignited bursts of “the feeling” and in an instant I am Zen running again, but then the reminders of injury creep back to me.
Well, “you should stop, take some time off”, I have been told. I don’t reply or comment, because it comes from my friends that are forged from the same mold as I. They are stubborn, determined, strong willed individuals that if I told them the same thing they would react in the same manner.
This is my burden that I carry and will continue to internalize. I confide in Sarah, because she is the one person in my life that truly understands what I go through. I am not weak. I don’t complain. I don’t say poor me. I push through it. I refuse to believe I am defeated. I have not reached my potential yet, even at my age of what I can do. Sarah understands this because she’ forged from the same cast and I appreciate her understanding while I deal with these demons.
The quote above places me at a crossroads. Do I back down the pace for Chicago that leads me where? Alternatively, do I keep pushing through my internal obstacles towards my goals?
I know the answer, I just cannot accept it.
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